Position Vacant – Apply within

Mr Incredible and the Wonderful You  are still driving along very fast, exceeding the recommended speed limit. It’s become a bit of a whirlwind ride and you’re not feeling as safe as you first did in the hands of your once fabulous driver. U-turns, gear changes, near misses and reckless driving have become something you’ve grown accustomed to.   You’d like to cruise a little more, take your time, enjoy the sights, stop every once in a while, have a picnic, reassess the trip, or even just slow down, what’s the hurry after all?  But that’s what You would like to do, that doesn’t interest Mr Incredible.  You’re kind of stuck on this journey now. (As I mentioned earlier, either fling yourself from the speeding vehicle or wait for the car crash, the first option being preferable).

 It’s not surprising at this stage, driving so fast and so crazy, that everything starts to become a bit of blur. You’ve stopped noticing what’s behind you, what’s in front of you, or that which is overtaking you. Your destination is unclear, you’ve forgotten exactly where it is you’ve come from and as for your exact location, you haven’t a clue. You start to live your life in a foggy trance-like state, without the sharpness that the Mr Incredible drug once gave you. You’ve lost your edge, your blade is dull, blunt, and won’t be much use to you now when you need it to decipher the situations which will inevitably arise.

 Ahh, Mr Incredible knows his timing.  It’s while you are in this foggy state that he introduces your new workload, “Huh?” I hear you say, “What now?” Don’t despair, the privilege is all yours, you are so lucky to be able to serve and work for Mr Incredible himself!   And you’ve heard the saying right?   She who marries for money  (insert here; status, security, comfort, distraction, whatever)must earn every cent. That’s what this car ride’s been all about… he’s been showing you how Incredible he is, so that you’ll be screaming to get on board for this project, the one he calls; “Incredible Us.”  At least, this is how it will be pitched to you, but the real interpretation is; “Incredible Him.”

The first job you’ll be assigned is; President of the Mr Incredible fan club. Whoa, back up, you didn’t even know there was a fan club. Yeah, of course there is Dummy, and it’s not his fault either, he doesn’t know why he receives so many texts and missed calls, he doesn’t even know how they get his number!  So what does this role entail, and what do you have to do exactly? Well… you get to beat all the fans off with a broomstick, in the most dignified way possible of course. You get to keep tabs, play detective, bring in new recruits in the form of your own friends and participate in triangulation games that you are not even aware of. And best of all, you get to be the one everyone else wants to be, so make sure you present well.

Ego Booster 101, you get to be Mr Incredible’s very own Dogsbody…  Yay! This one requires endless energy, you’ll need to notice every little wonderful and incredible thing about him and state it constantly  (you know, the way he did for you in the beginning).  You must give praise and copious gratitude for even the tiniest of gestures – be careful of this one, if you don’t say thank you twenty times and shower him with effection for taking out his own garbage or emptying his own dishwasher, you will be labelled very ungrateful.  You will need to flatter and compliment his looks, his possessions (cars, houses, boats, anything he owns) and all his accomplishments, because anything he has or does is the best and does not compare with what anyone else has or does. God forbid if you don’t realise this and point it out repeatedly.

 At the end of the day, you will have the honour of lending him your eardrums. Oh, how lovely, that Mr Incredible wants to come home and tell you all about Him.  The subjects are endless; work accomplishments, new business ventures, new purchases, investment news, funny stories (about him), compliments and flatteries (given to him),  new ideas and thoughts (his), how busy (his) day was, how hard (he) works. He’s eager for your input and is warm and responsive when he can see you listening. When you mention something of your own day, his eyes glaze over and he stares blankly straight ahead (unless it’s some information that may be useful to him).  If you do persist, you may be answered with a gruff sound, but this is your signal to quickly change the subject matter back to Mr Incredible – he’s so Incredible!  Anything else is trivial and mediocre really.

Where do you come to play in all of this? That’s just it, I don’t think you do. Well, you do, but only in relation to your position in his world.

Your Little Secret Self tugs at your coattails every now and then, and looks up at you like a lost little child. She suggests in a whispering voice for you to wake up out of your trance and have a good look around you. Your Shadow Self doesn’t like this suggestion and argues back that things aren’t that bad;   

Mr Incredible is not a bad man, he’s just a slow learner.”

“You’ve seen where he’s come from, the father that raised him, he’s damaged, he needs the Wonderful You to show him loving kindness and repair him, he’s needed someone like you for so long, you are so good for him.” 

Well this makes sense, this is exactly what one of Mr Incredible’s friends said to you just the other day; “You are so good for him.” His mother has said it also, many times. The fact that he is not so good for you hasn’t dropped out of the sky and hit you on the head yet.

Oh-oh It’s become two against one now, both  Mr Incredible  and your Shadow Self don’t like it when your Little Secret Self threatens to push to the surface and take back the reigns of her life.  And it’s becoming harder for Mr Incredible too, for even though he wants you this way, he’s not attracted to the ‘tired’ You, he wants to rule you, yet he resents that you allow him to. There’s an implosion on the horizon, and you can see it coming. You get busy explaining to Mr Incredible how grown-ups are supposed to treat each other, he’s not getting it. You try showing him a picture book of children sharing and being kind to one another, I think it may be called ‘Grover’s Guide To Good Manners’ or something like that. He nods and pretends to understand.

Tired with your new workload yet? No? That’s good, because if you didn’t have enough on your plate already, you’ve now found yourself tackling a five thousand piece jig-saw puzzle. Mr Incredible knows you will never put it all together, he sees it as the perfect distraction to lead you further away from your LSS.iStock_000000884791XSmall He’s even slightly bemused with your obsession over the pieces and how they all fit. Indeed as the pieces flood in they do take you by surprise; your next door neighbour (you didn’t even know they knew each other); a mutual friend; a secret loan; the suicide of an ex.  It’s enough to keep your mind full and your head spinning, another perfect distraction, to keep you from living any kind of normal.

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