Wearing a long sleeved white crisp collared shirt, and your hair out, falling down around your shoulders, you are standing facing Mr Incredible before you leave for work. Once again, you find yourself engaged in an argument, you’re unsure what started it and what it’s about, but you are angry and sound neurotic. Looking down at your arms inside your white shirt, you notice that both your arms and hands are shaking, and in fact, your whole body is shaking. Your voice is quivering, and your breath shallow. You really hope Mr Incredible doesn’t notice this, but he does, “Look at you, you’re shaking” he mocks, and smiles wryly. He looks at you as though you’re pathetic, and he actually looks happy about it. You can’t place your finger on exactly why you’re shaking, part of you starts to think you’re going crazy. Are you a crazy neurotic woman, making ‘mountains out of molehills’? This is the first episode of shaking that you can remember, but from here in, this shaking becomes something that happens to you regularly, especially when Mr Incredible shocks you with some old or new unexpected news or accidental lie. Fear taking hold of you and gripping your body becomes a familiar feeling, and when it happens, you find it hard to breathe or move, becoming effectively paralysed. Arguing with no resolve has become habitual. It’s become like an exercise that you are just doing for the sake of doing. It’s not how you want it to be, but it’s how it is. As pointless as arguing with Mr Incredible is, you continue to participate, with the misguided notion that one day he will hear and understand your feelings, he will see sense and you will grow and change together, he insists that’s what he wants too. Misguided is exactly where it’s at. You sign up for this habitual arguing like signing up for a season of team sport, a sport that goes round and round in circles with no end and with a guaranteed loser… YOU. Not only does it make you physically ill each time you participate, but it also gives Mr Incredible ample opportunity to wear you down with put-down’s and confusing accusations, he accuses you of everything that he is and everything that he does, but you can’t see if for what it is, because you’ve entered into it, and so that’s where you are… In it. The fact that this picture is all wrong is lost on you, for you’ve become far too preoccupied with proving yourself (the game that Mr Incredible beckoned you to play) to notice this abnormal world that has become your existence. You’ve entered into it and you’re engaged in it. All your arguments are about unjust treatments, lies, dishonesty, secrets and disrespect towards you (all difficult to pin-point), the outsider wonders why you stay and fight, why you don’t just walk away? Well it’s simple really, it’s because you see your goal as an attainable one. It’s Mr Incredible who first showed you just how wonderful you are, and you believed him. Somewhere along the line, things got switched, Mr Incredible stopped telling you how wonderful you are and started expecting you to prove it to him. Because of his concentrated efforts in the beginning, you gave him an elevated place in your heart (the place he wanted), and you believed him when he convinced you that You were amazing. Now, you have to prove it to him, and prove it to him you must, prove it to him you will. Otherwise what are you? Who are you? Are you really all that wonderful? Ahhh, don’t go there, don’t stop and think about it, you don’t have the energy and you don’t want the answer. All of your energies are directed towards sustaining your position, it takes all of your effort and keeps you so distracted that there’s no time to think a logical thought. You know you can’t head off to work this morning while you’re still shaking, and Mr Incredible’s just not getting it. Any understanding and acknowledgment on his part won’t be forthcoming. This argument will have to end as it always does, with the Wonderful You taking the lead and being the more mature one. Is that what it is? Or, could it be, that when Mr Incredible takes his approval away from you, your body enters into arrest? You need his approval and adulation to be administered to you once more, reviving you and bringing you back to life, enabling you to make it through another day? It’s more likely to be the latter one, coupled with the fact that if you deny Mr Incredible permission to do as he pleases and get away with the unacceptable, you risk being faced with due punishment. You may be left behind, overlooked, ignored, shamed, put down, called names or a host of other things if you persist with highlighting his behaviour. So you make the choice to relent again, and for this, you are promptly rewarded. Warm hugs, kisses on the forehead and comfort are returned to you. Temporary relief envelopes your body. You will probably receive flowers later in the day at work, and there may be something special waiting for you in the evening when you return home. There will be emails with poetry, love songs, and links to real estate sites (suggesting it’s time to buy a house together) along with endearing text messages and maybe a direct phone call at work, just to see how your day is going. This is another opportunity for everyone at your work to reinforce how amazing Mr Incredible is and how Wonderful you are for catching him. Everyone that is, except for the grey dog sitting in the corner, who quietly points out to you that gestures don’t signify change. Mmm, ignore that and don’t let it ruin the great day you have ahead of you, there’s lots to look forward to. How do you know this? Well, because, It’s become your usual pattern. Indeed if you were a lesser person you could milk this pattern for all it’s worth. Point out an unacceptable behaviour to Mr Incredible, have one of your pointless arguments, then give in, give up, back down and relent. And BINGO! You will be in for a day of bliss. Make sure you’ve dropped hints of anything you want or need beforehand so that these items will be delivered to you on your bliss day. All the while, your insides will be slowly eroding and wearing away, like a worn and rusted joint that’s out of alignment, but don’t worry about this now, deal with it later when you feel like dying for being so blind and delusional. Clearly, the fact that you were shaking and dizzy, almost falling short of breathing this morning has been forgotten by you (until it happens again that is). Mr Incredible offered you his superficial remedies, and you said “Okay, thanks, that’ll do.” These short term superficialities appease your Shadow Self, leaving your Little Secret Self out in the cold, hungry and starving, longing to be nurtured and loved. You’ll find her frail, mal-nutritioned body crumpled up dead out there on your back doorstep if you don’t do something drastic soon. Oh, but Mr Incredible won’t let you come to her rescue that easily, he’ll block you at your every turn, when you’re trying to get to that back door to let her back inside where it’s warm, he’ll pull a swifty on you from out of nowhere. You’ve got a battle on your hands and you don’t even know it. I don’t think you even know whose side you’re on, but I’m pretty sure it’s not yours. Hard to fathom isn’t it? How you could find yourself trapped in such a tricky game with so many different facets, it seems more than the average human being could scheme. Off to work you head, nursing your little heart in your hands, and holding onto some kind of false hope….. until next time.