It’s no longer just weeks or months that this unsavoury alliance with The Wonderful You and Mr Incredible has been going on. It is now entering into years.
Living on the edge has been exciting and challenging for a little while, now it’s become a daily reality. Staying one step ahead of the game, playing detective, proving yourself, watching your own back (and front), being lied about, being lied to, being falsely accused, overlooking wrongs yet being blamed for everything, working really hard to please yet getting nowhere and never quite knowing where you stand in this game takes way more effort and energy than you originally calculated.
And the reason you miscalculated in the first place is because you had no living idea that you would ever actually be doing all these things to survive. You’re not even aware that you are doing them, you are too focused on Mr Incredible, his charm, his rewards, his ‘love’ and flattery and the ‘idea’ of a life that he is offering you. In fact THAT is what you’ve fallen for in this fibroid mass that one might call a relationship, you’ve fallen for an idea. It is the ‘idea’ of Mr Incredible that you fell for and not ‘Mr Incredible himself. For Mr Incredible is a cruel, tormenting and tormented soul, one who gives out punishment in private alongside a polished theatre performance of a loving, doting partner in public. Sometimes, if occasion calls for it, this theatre performance takes place in private too, solidifying the fact that Mr Incredible is definitely a quality person deep down inside, he just needs to be drawn out by the right person….and there it is again, the challenge for you to step up to. You can be the fixer, the healer, the wise, patient, loving rescuer… and there it is again… more glory for you, more love, more adoration for being the one, THAT one who fixes him. It’s a great ‘idea’.
But all of this is realised in hindsight of course, there’s no comprehension right now that you are participating in a game, a sick game. You don’t know yet that Mr Incredible is sick, incredibly sick.
For now, you’re just really really tired. Clarity of thought, strong conviction, clear vision, self-dignity and gut instinct are all clouded with a foggy confusion. These essential tools have been replaced with denial, fantasy, false-hope, self-blame and avoidance. When an injustice happens (as repeatedly they do), you know you’ve been wronged, you know it, yet your new worn-down soul questions itself and wonders how you can fix this problem and get on track again. And you know… find that Mr Incredible who presents himself so wonderfully on occasion and get the relationship back to good.
You can do it, you’ve got this! God knows, you’ve done it a thousand times before, you know how to fix it, you know the formula, you know the pattern. But you’re tired, you’re really really tired, (wait, did I say that already?).
When you look in the mirror, you can’t help but notice you don’t look good at all. Your skin looks grey and pasty. Your green eyes that once sparked with mischief and life now look dull and grey, the whites of your eyes look yellow. Even your hair hangs limp now and is lifeless, it used to be so shiny. Once you had boundless energy for any kind of activity, now going to the gym and even walking is a struggle, your legs burn with searing, abnormal pain. They burn when you are sitting still at work, and eventually they start burning at night and disturb your sleep. You wonder if the shaking has something to do with it. Oh, did I mention the shaking already? The shaking in your arms and hands for no apparent reason? Yeah, it’s not looking good for you. When you show any signs of defecting in the relationship, and Mr Incredible whispers to his/your friends that you might be crazy, well yeah, you don’t come up looking good. You’re going to come out looking like the crazy one, despite all your sincere whole-hearted efforts of relationship rescue. Should we call it relationship? I prefer to call it a fibroid mass, because that’s what it is, an unhealthy growth that keeps getting bigger and requires draining all your energies and resources to do so. And if that’s not enough, it then constantly bleeds you dry, taking your everything, leaving you with nothing.
So where were we before we got side tracked with fibroid masses? Oh yes, back to looking in the mirror, at someone you on longer recognise.
All the things that supposedly attracted Mr Incredible to you in the first place seem to be gone now. He loved your spontaneity, he loved your carefree attitude, your trust, your lack of worry, your joy, energy and vibrancy. And you know yourself the amount of enthusiasm you had for life, how much you loved people, places, experiences. You had the ability to make the most mundane tasks into a party. You derived so much joy from life’s most simple pleasures, such as painting and gardening. You saw things in 3-D, you got excited, you gasped at a mountain -view, a sunrise, the sound of racing horses coming in to the finish line gave you goose bumps. You knew this world was mean and awful and full of atrocities, but you knew that you had a world living inside of you. You carried joy everywhere you went, and a presence when you entered a room.
But who is this person? Where is she? When you look in the mirror you see cold, void eyes that don’t belong to you. You see a person numbed down, tired, lifeless. Your joyful, trusting nature has been replaced by paranoia, suspicion, anger. Once all-accepting and all-embracing of everyone, you’ve become distrusting and on high alert, even aggressive at times. You wonder, has there been a transference of spirits? Yep it sounds crazy, but how come the person you’re looking at in the mirror looks more like Mr Incredible than you? Your eyes look like his eyes, you react the way he reacts, you think the way he thinks. Is the legend of the vampire true? Does he want to suck the life out of you and take your very soul for himself, leaving you with nothing but his lifeless, feelingless form?
Is he like the cold-blooded reptile who wants to sit by your warm fire because he sees something in you that he doesn’t have and can’t obtain? Once again, this is all in hindsight and we’re jumping ahead.
Back to the mirror and what you’re really seeing right now, in this moment….
You’re not looking well, that’s been established. You’re not feeling well, that’s been established. You don’t know who you are, or where the old you went, yes point taken. You know you’ve been in this fibroid mass for a while now, years. You are now facing the fact that Mr Incredible’s behaviour is not going to change, you’ve gotten that far at least. You haven’t figured out why or who’s fault it is. None the less, you are looking yourself in those cold, void eyes, and you are accepting one truth, and that is this: This fibroid mass is not going to change, you can stay and accept it for what it is, or maybe, somehow, you can get out of it. Ooh, getting out of it sounds a little bit appealing, you are aware though, that when you move to get out of it, you will be reminded of all the things you can have if you stay… financial security, property, (several properties) the chance to to study and paint and not have to work, a dream home, PLUS a dream rural homestead, expensive vacations and so much more. What more could a girl want?
Still looking in the mirror…Well, lets face it, there’s a lot more a girl could want, lets go through some of the things you really want: To be loved irrevocably and unconditionally, to have complete trust, transparency and honesty in your relationship, to know your partner has your back 100 per cent of the time, all the time, anytime, anywhere… all the time. To be spoken to nicely and kindly (and not abused or called names), to be celebrated for who you are and all that you are (not what he wants you to be). For your own dreams and your own destiny to be supported. To be included, honoured, esteemed, and not left out, left behind, or lied to. To share values, morals and have a shared genuine interest in humanity and a regard for the general well-being of other humans. Whoa, you could go on, your list could get bigger and you know it. You’ve finally faced a massive truth, this person you’ve been pretending with, isn’t your type of person. This is only going to work if you are shallow and willing to be satisfied with superficial, material things as a pay off. Even if you are willing to be shallow, it will still be a nightmare, but anyway, you are not shallow. You’ve tried being shallow, oh how you’ve tried. Everyone who is shallow seems to fit in with Mr Incredible’s crew so easily. But you are no good at being fake, you’ve always been too deep and too complex for that. Oh, you’ve tried to fight it, fake, superficial people seem so much happier, but you can’t even fake being fake!
Still looking in the mirror…. yes it’s been painful, but you’ve covered some serious ground. You are finally recognising your life for what it truly is. You’ve wasted more than two years now, this could keep on going, yet it won’t change, the only thing guaranteed is that it will get worst. You can stay, but this is it. There will be no improvement, no change. You can have all those superficial things offered to you, and if you are a shallow person, this could be well appealing, but you are not a shallow person. You know there is more to this life than things, and you know there is more to this life than this life alone. And you also know, deep down in your Knowing Knower, that this person, Mr Incredible, (who you have been calling Lover, Partner, Friend), won’t let you get out of it that easily. (Ooh, is this why you’ve been putting it off for so long?). You know deep down inside that he won’t let you go without severe punishment, publicly and privately. After his attempts at vacuuming you back in with his charm and false promises fail, he will make it his aim to bring you down completely and thoroughly and without remedy. For Mr Incredible doesn’t want you to find out who you really are, he dreads this the most, because once you find out who you really are, his game is over and your life begins.
But I know you, and I know you’re going to do it. You’re going to face this and do whatever it takes to get out and move forward. It won’t be easy, you’re going to waver at times. You are going to feel all kinds of emotions and all types of everything. You’re going to want to die and give up hope. You’re going to want to relent and turn back to stop the turmoil and the pain. But you won’t, you’ll go through it all head on, because that’s what you’re made of. Your Little Secret Self won’t be quiet and suffer any longer with her Shadow Self in the lead, because that’s not who she is. She’s going to make the break, she’s going to move forward. She’s going to grow, she’s going to change and she’s going to transform. And …. eventually…. she’s going to find herself a new name, her real name, her true name and who she was born to be.